Words

Note: The following is a brief post about slurs, and hence might contain triggers.


Some time in late high school or early college, I started to correct my friends whenever they used the word “gypped.” In most cases it wasn’t a confrontational correction, because--like with so many other casual slurs--they had no idea what it really meant. I’d say something like, “Did you know that word comes from the word ‘gypsy’?” Usually that was more than enough. They’d be horrified, they’d tell their friends, and within a couple of years I stopped hearing the word in any of our circles.

Generally speaking, I have good taste in friends. They’re good people. They just didn’t know.

Here’s something I didn’t know until last year.

“Gypsy” itself, is a slur. It’s been used for centuries to run Romani people out of villages, towns, cities, countries. It’s been used to deny employment or to justify slavery. The Romani have been victims of lynching and concentration camps, of hatred and erasure.

You might be tempted to tell yourself, “But that’s overseas. Here in America ‘Gypsy’ has a completely different connotation.”

No. Not really. In part because many Romani who survived the Holocaust moved here, and many survive to this day. They have children and those children feel the pain of their parents and grandparents acutely, so that connotation hasn’t disappeared, nor should it. Remembering that something happened is the first step in making sure it doesn’t happen again. Plus America has its own set of stereotypes, as well as its own history of enslaving Romani people.

A short, but by no means encompassing, list below:

• Gypsies are thieves/charlatans who will rip you off if you let them.
• Gypsies are fortune tellers.
• Gypsy women are whores.
• Gypsy men are killers.
• They have the power to curse people.
• They all love to dance and play tambourines and wear bandanas.
• They’re hypersexual and hot tempered.
• They’re all homeless and at best travel in roaming caravans criss-crossing the country.

But… But… I have Romani friends and they *self-identity* as Gypsy!

And that’s their choice. The people within a marginalized group can choose to reclaim a word used to shame and hurt them in an effort to turn it into a positive. However, it’s almost never okay for people outside that group to use the word to identify said group.

But the DICTIONARY says--

Stop. Just stop. Many dictionaries still list a definition of “nigger” as a snag or hindrance.* I dare you to use that term around me and try to use that definition to defend yourself. Pro-tip: You won’t have a chance, because I’ll already have blocked you.

So, yeah. “Gypsy” is not a good word. And I used it a lot.

I used it in the first edition of Want Me. Joel often calls Walker a “gypsy” because Walker is a wanderer (see dictionary excuse above). I didn’t think anything of it because I have American-Romani friends who self-identify as Gypsy (see friends excuse above). But since then, I’ve come across several articles** and firsthand accounts written by people who were pained by the term. They were emotional, and true, and hard to read. And if they were hard to read, I knew I had no concept of how painful it was to live that reality.

Honestly speaking, I don’t care about offending people. I do, however, care very much about hurting them.

When it came time to edit the second edition of Want Me, I took it as a second chance and made some changes. The story still starts with Joel using that word, but as his world gets bigger and deeper he--as he does with so many other things--matures out of it in a way that I think is believable and organic. I was glad to have the opportunity to make those changes, to have a chance to mature with him.

To anyone who was hurt reading the way the word was used in the first edition, I apologize. Full stop.

______
* A few of those articles:

• "The Problem with the word 'Gypsy'."
• "A Brief Introduction to Romani History."
• "The Pariah Syndrome: An account of Gypsy slavery and persecution."
• "Flowchart for Justification of Using the Word Gypsy."

** To be fair, Dictionary.com (from which I paraphrased this particular definition) tries fairly hard to explain that it is a slur, is offensive, and should not be used. And although I disagree with some of the things in its usage note, “Gypsy” doesn’t even get that treatment.

Blurbs

I have a love/hate relationship with blurbs. When I’m trying to write them, it’s full-on hate. But when it’s done, and it’s good, it’s so, so good. I want to hold it in my hands and pet it gently and hold it up to the world to see as I proclaim “Look! I wrote this! Doesn’t it make you want to read the story behind it?”

Unfortunately, I’m not the greatest judge of my own blurbs.

Take Paul’s Dream, which I consider my best one:

Paul Graham is content with his life. An up-and-coming lawyer, he has no time to dwell on the mazes, puzzles, and riddles he solves while asleep. He has no interest in dreams, or anything that might derail his career.

Until Kian shows up. Sensual, playful, he claims that Paul rescued him four years ago. Now he's determined to repay him with the one thing he knows best: sex laced with... magic.

Kian is unlike any man Paul has encountered. He won't go away, for one. The fact that Paul doesn't remember him doesn't deter his mission of seduction in the least. But soon enough, Paul finds that this strange, carnal creature has the ability to melt his ice with a touch, to bring out a sweetness Paul didn't even know he had.

As Kian becomes a part of his life, Paul finds himself more and more attached. Forgotten dreams, buried memories, and the dangerous obsession of another conspire to tear them apart. Is he strong enough to endure a trial by fire in order to keep them together?

Ohhh, was so proud of that one! I thought (still think) it was sexy, had a touch of humor, deftly hinted at the suspense elements in the story. The last line was an excellent hook, which is what last lines in blurbs are supposed to be. Perfect.

Except, not so much. I remember it got panned by several reviewers, most of whom called it “blah.” One was straight-up angry with me for not spelling out exactly what Kian was in the text of the blurb. I imagine Paul would have agreed with that last one. He didn’t get the specifics until chapter four, and he wasn’t exactly keen when he had them.

The story did okay. Word-of-mouth saved me from my own blah blurb. I think that’s when I learned that no one element is going to sink a book. Just work hard so that as many elements as possible hit the mark.

But blurbs are important. At least, they are to Reader-Rowan. When browsing books I notice first the cover (because I’m shallow), then the blurb, and if the blurb is interesting I read the excerpt to check and see if the writing style is compatible with my reading style. I think there must be at least a few readers out there who browse like I do, so I work hard on blurbs, going through several drafts, wondering if the draft I’ve got is too dramatic for the story or not dramatic enough. Too much information? Not enough information? On and on. And when it’s done, I cross my fingers and post.

Which reminds me:

Look below this line! I wrote this! Doesn’t it make you want to read the story behind it?

__________

Chains


A new prisoner has been brought to the castle. They say he's a warrior. They call him a demon. They whisper that he can grant wishes.

Saiven can't resist. He sneaks into the secluded dungeon to see, but the man chained to the wall is not what he expects. Smiling. Teasing. He introduces himself as Faolan, and Saiven is caught.

This...man. He makes Saiven feel things he should not feel. Draws forth confessions that were meant to stay secret. Faolan freely grants him warmth and laughter. But now...

Now it's time to find out if Saiven is strong enough to earn a wish.

Straightforwardness

Main characters in my finished and published stories, ranked in order of straightforwardness, starting with the most straightforward and ending with the least:

Rafe Dirisio --	(Lone)
Paul Graham --	(Paul’s Dream)
Joe Wilson --	(A Picture’s Worth)
Kian Somers --	(Paul’s Dream)
Zakai --	(Paul’s Dream)
Joel Beckett --	(Want Me)
Keith Taylor --	(Chasing Winter)
Ace Donovan --	(One Good Hand/One Good Year)
Riley Jameson --	(One Shot)
Walker Cain --	(Want Me)
Nick Carlyle --	(One Shot)
Spade Hart --	(One Good Hand/One Good Year)
Seth Anderson --	(Lone)
Draven Donnor --	(Just Perfect)
Mason Ripley --	(A Picture’s Worth)
Asher Croft --	(Paul’s Dream)
Jesse Winter --	(Chasing Winter)
Dorian Burns --	(Lone)
Cody West --	(Just Perfect)

You might be thinking, “What?! How is Jesse so far down on the list, and how is WALKER square in the middle??” If you are thinking that, what follows is what passes for logic on my end:

First, this list only gauges straightforwardness, and does not take badassitude into account. Though, really, when you think about it, Jesse is plenty badass. Whenever Keith--who is gigantic and endowed with freaky super strength--steps out of line, Jesse never hesitates to knock him right back into it.

Second, the ranking is value-neutral. So whatever nefarious schemes a character might have going on (I’m looking at you, Draven), they don’t count for anything in this list.

Last, straightforwardness does not mean trustworthy. So, while Spade is arguably the most trustworthy character on the list, he waits till damned-near the end of the first book to tell Ace what he is, which Ace doesn’t take well. At all.

But anyway.

Jesse is in the bottom three because through most of Chasing Winter what he says and what he’s thinking are totally out of sync. For example:

“You always told me that willpower could accomplish anything.”

If I had known he’d remember every damned thing I said, I would have tried harder to stay away from such trite clichés. “Yes, I did say that.”

Or--

Keith grinned. “I’m making you uncomfortable, aren’t I?” He left the couch and searched out his briefs. “I’ll get out of your hair.”

I grabbed the top of the couch with my right arm and pulled myself up to watch him dress. Now that he wasn’t touching me, I felt…oh, God, I felt more alone than I ever had in my life. “Thank you.”

And he’s like that through most of the book. So now he’s on the bottom of a totally arbitrary, written-by-the-whim-of-the-author list on straightforwardness.

Jesse was fairly easy to place. If you’ve read Just Perfect, then you know why Cody ranks rock-bottom. No brainer. Same with Rafe and Paul. Rafe wears his heart on his sleeve and is always sure everyone around him knows where he stands. Paul’s heart is frozen solid for a while, but even then everything he does has a reason and he has no qualms about explaining those reasons to you.

Walker wasn’t so easy. Sure, he locks Joel to him in a horrifying spiral of magic that pretty much ruins both their lives, but remember--nefariousness has no weight on this list. He’s also a liar by nature, which would naturally rank him lower. But he doesn’t fuck around when it comes to his obsession with Joel. Never deviates. Never lets Joel forget that he’s never going to deviate. So, yeah, horrifying. But hey, straightforward.

You’re probably safer if you just don’t believe in anything Dorian does or says. Ever. I know it sort of worked out in Lone, but dude. Trust me on that one.

Riley was also hard to place. One Shot’s told from Nick’s point of view, and he’s royally freaked out through most of that story, so it’s hard to gauge how much of Riley’s actions are warped by that filter.

Seth was a pain in the ass. He’s got that crazy Ravager-magic-want-it-now-so-will-HAVE-IT-NOW thing going on. And first instinct is to rank him higher because even in human form he’s all “Look at my massive brown puppy eyes don’t you want to pet my hair?” But Seth doesn’t even know himself, so by default that cripples his ability to be straightforward with Rafe.

So that’s my logic, such as it is. I think it’s pretty easy to see why I put the others in their places on the list.

My question: Do you agree with me? Disagree? Where would you rank these guys, and why?

---

Interesting fact: I was not aware that “straightforwardness” was a legit word until I typed it up for the first time and didn’t get the red spell-fail squigglies. Prior to that I’d assumed I had made it up. “Squigglies,” however, is apparently fake, which feels wrong to me. >.>

Pressure

Writer’s block can be triggered by any number of things. Real life gets too busy, you get sick, you wrote yourself into a corner, you can’t get that freaking song out of your head and it’s ruining your scene.

Sometimes it’s pressure. With writers, there are three main sources:

1. From your publisher
• Although I’ve been lucky in this respect, some publishers take that wonderful book you wrote over the course of a year or two or five and want you to write three more just like it. By the end of the year.
2. From readers, real or perceived
• This can be tricky. Most readers aren’t trying to pressure you when they’re asking when the next installment of this or that series will be out. You did your job as a writer, and now they’re a fan of the world you’ve created. This is a good thing. It’s a compliment.
• Occasionally, though, I get a letter telling me to finish a particular storyline, and that generally has the opposite effect intended because I’m childish that way.
3. From yourself
• This is the worst, by far. Writers by nature have overactive imaginations, and we can blow things all kinds of out of proportion. So everything listed above gets spun into your own psyche, along with:
• If I don’t write three books a year the readers will forget me.
• If I don’t write this freaking sequel the publisher will drop me.
• What if this sequel isn’t as good as the first story in the series?
• You’re only as good as your last book.
• Nothing I write now will ever be as good as that one beautifully crafted book I wrote five years ago.
• What if I never finish anything again?
• I suck.

Dealing with the first two sources is easy.

1. If your publisher honestly expects you to write five books a year and that is not within your skill-set, tell them that. If they still expect the wordcount, then find a new publisher.
2. Acknowledge that people love your world/characters enough to write you about them. Then take your time, and write a book that you love as much as the first one. Be good to your readers by being good to your story.

See? Easy peasy. #3, though… There’s no simple way to lose all that baggage. But here are some of the things that I do:

• Get a hobby that is not writing.
• It clears my mind, relieves stress, and reminds me that there are other things in life.
• I draw, fold origami, take pictures of toys and sometimes make animated .gifs of those toys, play soccer with my nieces and nephews (because apparently one little league season during kindergarten makes me the expert in my family).
• I know other writers who sing, who cook. I’ve seen a lot of them knit during wait times at conventions.
• Make friends with creators who are in the same fix.
• Writers, artists, comic book creators. Talk about stuff. Vent that frustration we all get when we try to create a work of art only to have to market it as a product. Share that fear that we’re being pretentious when we refer to what we create as “art.”
• This helps me realize I’m not alone. That these problems that seem so devastating are actually very common. Once the problems become common, they put a lot less pressure on me.
• Note: Make friends. Don’t join a gang. The point is to get all those positive vibes flowing, which clears the air around you, which makes it easier to write.
• Write under a secret identity for a while.
• Hold on, hold on. I know this sounds mad sketchy. But it helps, especially given that I’m an established (am I being pretentious when I call myself “established”?) writer and the people around me tend to assure me that I could never write anything short of wonderful. Which is bullshit. Everyone will write a flop eventually. Most people will write several. But sometimes I get caught in one of two traps:
• I get tied into knots because I’m terrified that the next book will suck and all these people who had faith in me will be disappointed.
• I start to suspect my friends are lying to me.
• I create a new username. I pick a forum or other such free story site that either aligns perfectly with my interests or falls way out of my comfort zone. I write. I get feedback from strangers who don’t know I’m Rowan McBride.
• Rules:
• Tell no one (not even my best friend who lives in another state and doesn’t like the internet) of my username. The primary point of this exercise is to see how I do when I have to “start from scratch” in a sea of people who do not know me.
• If I’m writing in my comfort zone (frex: muscle growth) then go all out and write it, without all those invisible rules that come with being a published author tying me down.
• If I’m writing out of my comfort zone, write it. Do my best to rock this strange new world.
• Experiment.
• If I fail, be glad. It won’t affect my writing career and I’m learning something.
• If I rock it, be glad. I have proof that I am awesome.
• Create long, rambling lists with bulleted points on how to relieve pressure. ;)
• Read. Inside your genre. Outside your genre. Discover how absolutely fabulous you really are and realize with joy how much better you have the potential to be.
• Listen to music.
• Dance.
• Breathe.
• Write.

---

Note: Thanks to Sherry on Goodreads for the suggestion of "breathe." :)

Writerly Things

If you followed the link in my last post, you know I've lost my freaking mind on tumblr. There's no organization to the stuff I post and that's freeing for me, although I'm not sure how much fun it is for the people following me. It also somehow allows me to get a little more personal while simultaneously giving me more distance, which turns out is something I need.

This is my writing blog full of mostly writing things, and I've been mulling over its direction. Been considering topics like:

• The mechanics of writing, which would cover how I, personally, approach the craft.
• Stuff that keeps writers up at night. Not all writers, obviously. Many writers sleep very well. But I'd talk about things I've noticed with me and my particular group of friends.
• Inspiration for certain stories/characters, what I think of them, etc. Sometimes I get the urge to share, but then I remember reading "DeathNote v13: How to Read DeathNote," and there was some stuff in there that I wish to this day I could unread.

What do you guys think? Is there anything you'd like to see me blog about?

Help a Fab Editor

My editor at Loose Id, Raven McKnight, is ill and is currently trying to get her health insurance to do right by her.  She's a total fighter, but fighting requires being able to sit up and breathe at the same time, and she can't even get *those* meds.  So Katey Hawthorne got a bunch of us together in order to raise some money that will help her do just that.

How can you help?  Go to http://www.indiegogo.com/for-raven. There's different ways to donate, and each donation level gives you a chance to win a different prize.  They're awesome prizes, for a very good cause.

Raven edited "One Good Hand," "One Good Year," and "One Shot."  She's sharp, savvy, and not afraid to rip a manuscript apart in order to make it better.  She also keeps me from losing my damned mind at the height of edits and in those tense days just after a book release.  She's a great editor and a credit to writing.

Let's help her out.

A new way to think about creativity

I missed my usual Thursday post. But today's post, although late, although not mine, is really, really good.

This is a Ted Talks lecture given by Elizabeth Gilbert. Everyone who's felt that spark of creativity should watch this twenty minute video. The viewpoint she shares is straight forward, poignant, funny, and inspirational.

A Bit of Fluff

A couple of months ago, my editor at Torquere suggested I write a bit of bonus material for Just Perfect. Something from Cody's point of view that showed what he might see in Draven. At first I had reservations, but when I started, I felt...good. So good that the piece came out 300 words over word count.

It reminded me how much I really do love the sweet and fluffy stories. I've been in a dark place lately and I think my stories have been reflecting that (in really fun and twisty ways), but this tiny little excerpt made me smile. The combination of my editor's suggestion and the card my friend sent me a while back is probably what got me going on One Good Year. It's funny how events sometimes come together in odd and perfect ways.

Not that I have any plans to abandon my twisty stories. ;)

We had to cut the word count down to 500 before posting it on the Torquere social group, but I got permission to post the original version on my site. You can read it here.

I hope you like it.

It's simple math, really.

Sometimes I storyboard. I take a pack of index cards, write down all the scenes that are jumbled together in my mind (one scene per card), and lay them out on the carpet. This way, I can see if the storyline and character arc makes sense. I like storyboarding more than outlining because I feel as if I have more leeway to add scenes, delete scenes, and shuffle stuff around (this advantage, of course, is all in my head because cut & paste lets me do all of that on the computer). It's a way of getting organized that works for me.

Below is one of the cards from a novella I just finished:



Recognize those names? ;)

On heroes, villains, and what I can get away with.

A while back I got a rejection letter (I know, shocker, right?). It was nice as far as rejection letters go. Said my writing skills were tight. The story itself was too dark, though. I know this because the word ‘dark’ was used five times in two paragraphs.

It made me realize that I’m not so good at telling my heroes from my antiheroes from my villains, and that this could actually be a problem.

Sometimes I don’t cross a line by much and an editor will tell me how to revise. In the original manuscript of One Shot, Riley was much scarier than he is in the published version. When I made him nicer I made the mistake of not toughening up Nick by a proportional amount, but Nick’s still a little hottie in my book so that’s okay.

Walker Cain from Want Me, however, didn't get dialed down at all. For good or ill, it was one of the reasons I chose to self-publish. It meant I could go crazy with the storyline. I got to write a character who literally had no concept of right and wrong, not even as other people saw it. He wanted. He took. That was his life. Unfortunately what he wanted most was Joel, and the spiral they were thrown into as a result turned out to be razor sharp and painful for both of them.

Ahh, how I loved that book.

Still, there was an element of likability to Walker. Partly because he just didn't know any better. Innocence born from madness.

Draven Donnor is not mad. He knows exactly what he's doing. And he knows that almost everything he does is not right by human standards. So that would make him a villain, yeah? Except that he's not human. He has a moral code, but it's a product of who he is, of a culture very different than ours. And when it comes to Cody, he's all about loving, he's all about protecting, he's all about getting closer. So he's got flaws, but he also has one really, really good trait. Maybe that makes him an antihero. But…

When he becomes an assassin, he finds that he enjoys his job. That never changes. No angst. No crisis of conscience. Plus at the beginning of the story he steals from Cody. His best friend. Which brings us back into villain territory. On the other hand, from his perspective he is a natural, right being, rightly doing what comes naturally to him. Then again, most villains think the same thing about themselves, meaning Antihero Upgrade denied.

As you can see, I’m not entirely certain how I should feel about my newest character. But I feel for him all the same. He is Draven and I love him. Just like I love Walker. Just like all those psychotic characters I adore so much in anime. (I’m looking at you, Akabane.)

This says something serious about my psyche. I've yet to figure out what, exactly. As the writer of such stories, am I the hero or the villain? Maybe I’m trying to write the best story possible with a concept that’s always intrigued me, and maybe I hope Just Perfect catches on and its popularity will let me write more of it. Some of the stories I'd like to tell are cool and dark and possibly twisted. And I believe they belong on the shelf right next to my fluffy stories, because I love fluffy too.

Perhaps my ultimate goal is to bring balance to my backlist. That’s a worthy aspiration, even if the road is five times as dark.

Does that mean I'm the antihero?

Or am I just a writer with wicked thoughts, trying to see what xe can get away with?

Names and Master Plans

This post is probably going to be even more ramble-y than my usual, so there’s that.

I started a story recently where I changed the name of the main character three times. That never happens to me. In a best case scenario, when I imagine a character for the first time he already has a name attached. In other, less desirable situations, I spend hours—sometimes days—going through my baby name book, name websites, and scrolling through my television menu for random actor names until I find something that fits, dammit. But something always does, even if I have to eventually make it up. The name captures the person.

Until this new guy. He started out as a Dan, then as a Ray, and currently he is Neil. At the moment I’m not entirely sure I think his name is Neil. It’s really disconcerting. I can’t even start a story unless I know who the main characters are, and here I have one and I can’t pin down his name. I feel like I’m writing about a ghost. Which I’m not.

Then come the repeats. I’m not sure what the writer etiquette is on that. I have a Michael in Michael Finally Grows Up (which was updated late last month—yeah!), but I also have a Michael you’ve never met, in a sequel that I promise I’m working on slowly but surely. In this case I don’t think it’s so bad because MFGU is a free serial and in a different category from the novel I’m working on. Separation challenge: Easy.

Things get murkier when the stories are both books. Jesse Winter is still my favorite character I’ve created, but a few days ago this new idea popped up in my head, along with a brand new character whose name was…Jesse. I figured I had to change it, but Derek—the love interest—calls him Jess and how hot is that? Keith never called his Jesse Jess. Of course, Derek is the name of this guy I’d had planned for a fairy tale down the road…

*headcramp*

I’ve lost count of how many idea files I have on my hard drive. How many “chapter ones” I intend to spin out into fully realized tales. I also have a spreadsheet to keep track of all the names, to help keep my myriad of master plans and distinct worlds from colliding with each other. And yet I have two Michaels, two Jesses, and a dude who may or may not be a Neil.

Sometimes I wonder why I put so much effort into names, anyway. Would the content of my stories be that much different if I named half my characters Bob? Then I take Jesse from Warm Rush, and try to imagine him as, oh I don’t know, a Duke or something, and that really doesn’t seem like it could work. But Duke from G.I. Joe? What other name could he have? Also—hot.

This new Jesse? I’ve tried retro-fitting him with different names. Nothing works so far. I think about books I’ve read by authors I love and I have to admit, unless it’s the same universe, I don’t pay attention to names (or similarities, or repeats) from one series to another. But then I’m freakishly bad with names (hence the spreadsheet mentioned above to help me remember my own characters) so I’m most likely not the best sampling here.

What do you think? Is it confusing when an author has two characters with similar names, even if the story worlds never overlap? Or does the fact that I have around 250 names used (as in seen in a published/posted story) or on reserve (as in featured in one of my many “chapter ones”) in my spreadsheet make it a big enough pool that I can use a couple of them more than once?

And Neil, or whatever the hell his name'll be by the end. Still no idea what to do about him. Maybe he'd work as a Bob...

So much for master plans. >.<

Pretty Words

Two things happened in my writing life recently that were kind of interesting and kind of related. First—I finished a novella. I think I’m going to title it Just Perfect despite the fact that it’s one of my darker stories but we’ll see. It’s in a revision stage, after which I’ll submit it to a publisher, so keep your fingers crossed. The second is that I’m currently working on another story and I finished writing a sex scene that I started in…2009, I think. Yeah, I got stalled pretty badly there. It might have been a good stall though because when I look at the plotline it doesn’t seem believable to me anymore, and I think I’ve got a better direction now for the book. Silver lining and all that.

The thing that kind of relates these two stories is language. When I was writing Just Perfect, I was afraid I’d lost the sense of lyricism I was so proud of in books like Lone and Paul’s Dream. Some might say I’m a little too in love with that sort of writing, but I’m really attached to pretty words, sentences that flow. The language in Just Perfect is hard, straightforward, and to the point. It wasn’t until I’d finished the story and read it all the way through for the first time that I realized this was Draven’s (the main character’s) voice, and that it fit. He’s an assassin, after all. And one who likes his job.

The story I’m working on now has more of the pretty words I thought I’d lost, which makes sense. Both characters in this one are nicer, gentler, a lot more innocent. They think differently so they express themselves differently.

I forget, sometimes, that it’s the characters who set the tone for a story, and that as long as you stay true to them, the words may not always be “pretty,” but they’ll always flow. And just because I’m stretching my writing muscles from time to time, doesn’t mean I’ve lost my touch.

It might even mean I’ve gotten better. (This is me, trying to be more optimistic as per my New Year’s resolution.)

;)

Michael Finally Grows Up - Chapter 8

Chapter eight of Michael Finally Grows Up is done and posted. I wish I had something clever and insightful to say as to why I up and decided to write more of this story after, oh, a year and two months, but the truth is I was feeling it and so I jumped in. XD

Avery’s voice is always a lot of fun to write for me. I hope you enjoy getting reacquainted with him:

http://rowanmcbride.com/stories/mfgu/

Heh. Limericks.

Haven't been online much because the fam has descended. I'm talking parents, grandparents, cousins (and their families), aunties, uncles, brothers, nephews, nieces. If they don't drink, they shoot, if they don't shoot, they cook, if they don't cook, they dance, and if they don't dance, they, uh, write, I guess. We all, without exception, play dominoes. This is the state of my life at the moment.

I totally missed the start of the Goodreads M/M Romance Group 1-year Anniversary Celebration. I would have missed the whole thing if I hadn't received an email letting me know it was time for me to mail out a prize I'd donated. But thanks to that email I got to drop in on some of the fun. I even got to play in a limerick contest yesterday and it floored the hell out of me to find out via another somewhat random email that the little sucker made first place. I chose Lynn Lorenz's "Pinky Swear" as my prize, so assuming no one snapped it up before me and assuming I picked from the correct prize list, I'm looking forward to a good read.

The celebration's still going on. Drop in and have some fun. Also, if you have a minute, pray for me.

Posting the limerick below. The prompt was "Pain."

There once was a heart in my chest
Until you ripped it right out of my breast
Now there's no dawn
As the pain writhes on
You stole my love *and* my death

Starting

I’ve come to the conclusion that the hardest part of writing isn’t finishing a story. The hardest part is starting one—over, and over, and over again. Because that’s what you have to do to get to the end, isn’t it? Start the book, eventually go to sleep. At some point over the course of the next day, start again…until you have to go to sleep. Repeat until there’s no more story. Start process over with another story while mentally preparing yourself to start revisions on previous one. Starting is the key here. Not finishing.

This feels like an epiphany, but at the same time I feel like I’ve read this pearl of wisdom somewhere before. Which is entirely possible. Some lessons take years to sink in with me.

For a lot of little reasons that happened to coalesce at the same time, I’m not working on any stories right now.* In the last few weeks I’ve wanted to, but for whatever reason I keep having false starts, not real ones. So my vacation continues, and it’s not so bad.

The other day I was looking over one of my bookcases. I’m a hoarder packrat archiver, especially about things I write, so I’ve got a bunch of old journals. Although I’ve been writing for about as long as I can remember, it hasn’t always been fiction, and as I looked through my journals I noticed that I only seemed to feel it necessary to document the details of my life when I wasn’t writing fiction or poetry. Some of those details were really…hrm…interesting and I figured that I’d post some *headdesk* unedited excerpts below:

From when I was 10 years old:

Today I went to the movies and watched Transformors the Movie. It was fun! SPike was a grown man and was saying some bad words (like (shit.)) There were few more bad words in it. It was great.

17 years old:

I understand why so many seniors take cruise classes. It’s so they don’t blow a gasket when trying to meet all of their college deadlines.

18 years old:

So, I asked him to be my Valentine.

And you know what the idiot said?

He actually said yes.

Surprised the hell outta me, and then he asked what we were supposed to do. I told him I didn’t have a clue, and he laughed again.

20 years old:

Tomorrow I’ll be trying my hand at car sales. I really, really hope I have some sort of hidden car selling talent. I don’t want to look like an idiot and be poor this summer.

25 years old:

No matter what had happened before or what would happen later—in those hours he was perfect.

26 years old:

The next thing I know, I’m wondering where my muffin is. A few seconds later I’m wondering why I’m on the floor. A few seconds after that I wonder why my mom is sobbing. Turns out she thought I was dead.

30 years old:

He dyed his hair orange and dressed up like Ichigo for me. Filthy, unspeakable deeds in the dead of night were his reward. He says next year he might do Hisagi.

31 years old:

Went to see Dark Knight. HOLY SHIT. I mean... holy shit! Heath Ledger’s Joker was iconic and the story... it’s living, it’s breathing, it digs its wway inside of you. Haha. “Why so serious?” Holy FUCKING shit!

As you can see, I was (and still am) a mess. But reading those journals had me smiling, sneezing (dust!), chuckling. I was sad in parts, hopeful in others. All emotions I try to evoke through my stories.

So maybe the lesson here isn’t about me not writing. Maybe the lesson here is about me accepting the fact that, while I haven’t jumped feet first back into any of my books yet, this blog has become a journal of sorts which allows me to get my thoughts down, rambling though they may be.

It’s a start, right?

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* This post was actually written two weeks ago and last week I out of the blue updated The Jascian’s Toy. I was proud of chapter 12. I suppose now it’s time to start again.

Apples

I bought this on impulse the other day:

As you can see, this thing is so horrible that the retailers had no choice but to tie it with what I assume to be a spiritual ribbon before sealing it inside a blessed cylinder. My camera kindly recorded the date I bought it right onto the photo. I've not yet worked up the courage to break the seal.

It’s got a chocolate shell studded with pecans. There might be caramel involved somewhere, but I’m not sure. The package would have me believe there’s an apple in there as well.

I have no idea how one goes about consuming such a thing. Apparently it serves 8-10 people, so I’m contemplating having some sort of candy apple party at my place. It would be good to have some friends in on this because (1) almost everything is better with friends and (2)… well…

I don’t really like apples.

It always jars me to admit that because from day to day I walk around thinking I like apples, and this delusion inevitably leads me to making purchases like the one above.

But I’m not that big a fan. Can’t stand apple juice. Not keen on apple pie unless it’s a small slice and it’s mostly crust. I make a little “yuck face” every time someone mentions apple sauce. Hard apple cider I can do if the occasion’s right. That’s about it.

Even plain, healthy apples give me trouble. I don’t like red apples and I don’t like sweet apples. If I’m going to eat an apple it’s got to be green and tart and sliced into wedges.

Apple issues. That’s what I’ve got.

Yet I adore the imagery, so much. It’s not even the “forbidden fruit” aspect that hooks me (although I DO like it and I’ve used it in that context). The fruit from the tree of knowledge that Adam & Eve took a bite out of was never actually called an apple. I like that if you cut an apple in half you get five seeds and those five seeds can stand for anything from the elements (fire, water, earth, air, soul) to the body of a person (head, hands, feet) to a simple five pointed star. I love that in DeathNote the shinigami actually find them addictive, and that Ryuk in particular calls them “jooshy.”

Even that great sound an apple makes when someone bites into it. There's something savage about that sound. I especially like it when a person buffs the apple on their shirt and then tears a chunk out of it--lure the prey in with a false sense of comfort and go in for the kill.

Apple torture. Just further highlights the issues I mentioned above.

And while I won’t eat a red apple, my characters sure as hell will, because to me red feels more seductive, more lush. If vampires didn’t drink blood, they’d probably eat red apples instead.*

Apple pie does a similar thing to me. I don’t like to eat it, but thinking about it elicits images of hearth and home. Of cold winter nights and warm fires.

Most of my stories make an apple reference in them somewhere. I think Paul’s Dream and Want Me are the only ones that don’t, although someone recently mentioned they think I’m wrong on that. If you know for sure there’s an apple reference in either of those books, be the first to paste the quote on this thread in the comments and I’ll send you an 8x10 glossy of that book cover. :)

So there you have it. My first post about apples. I should file it with the post I did a while back about shoes. Sometimes I’m really, really glad that “ramblings” is right there in the title of this blog to warn people of what lies ahead.

I’ll let you know if the giant piece of candied whatever above changes my mind about apples. :)

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*Note: I hope I didn’t turn anyone off of red apples with the vampire analogy. I do not believe that red apples taste in any way like blood.**

**Note#2: But you gotta admit, vampire fangs are probably pretty handy when tearing into an apple. :D

Fiction? Reality? Eh. It's a fine line.

Thought I'd share one of the articles I'd read while working on One Shot:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7577501.stm

Will it have accidental side effects similar to the ones in my story? If so, then I'm thinking a needle in the arm is definitely worth it. ;)

Things that keep writers up at night.

I go through a lot of revisions. Before even submitting a story to a publisher, it’s quite possible that I’ve combed through it at least ten times before sending it in. This does not include the rather complex system of beta readers I have, each with their specific purpose in vetting my story. Does the concept make sense? How are the characters? Does everyone remember to take their shoes off with the rest of their clothes during sex? Did I use that semicolon correctly?

Overkill. I know this.

Yet there are still errors.

My editors at all my publishing houses are excellent. They find stuff that no one before them found. They spot plot holes I hadn’t even considered. I may grumble and grouse about how they want me to butcher my work of art, but after the first few minutes I get over it because they’re usually right. I make those edits. I start to feel good. Comfortable, even.

Yet…

Below are two short passages from two different novels. Non spoiler, but both containing pretty horrifying typos. Typos that were caught in the late stages of editing--in the case of Lone, the final pass before the manuscript was set to go to the printers.

From Lone:

He grinned and walked around to the side of the house, where an older man was shopping wood. He had the same Dirisio jet-black hair, with shocks of white at his temples.

Should have been:

He grinned and walked around to the side of the house, where an older man was chopping wood. He had the same Dirisio jet-black hair, with shocks of white at his temples.

From One Shot my upcoming novella:

Riley touched our noses together. “And, for the record, I don’t think you’re sexier than me.”

Should have been:

Riley touched our noses together. “And, for the record, I don’t think I’m sexier than you.”

Two TOTALLY different meanings there, gaw.

Now, let me just say that I like to think of myself as pretty good at catching my own mistakes. I know my beta readers rock, and my editors are amazing. Still, though it was no one’s fault, the above errors were a last minute catch, and every time something like that happens I ask myself compulsively “What if we hadn’t…?”

Which, of course, inevitably leads to “I wonder what else we didn’t…?”

And suddenly I’m staring up at my ceiling fan at four in the morning.

Part of being a writer is letting your cherished story go. For me, “letting go” means not looking at the book months (if not a full year) after it’s out there. Even now I suspect there’s a spelling error in Lone but I refuse to look. At this point there’s nothing I can do about it and who needs the stress?

By the time a story of mine goes to publication, I’m so sick at the mere mention of the title that my stomach twists. But eventually I always go back, read through it again. I can honestly say that even though I sometimes cringe at a turn of phrase or grammar error, I’ve never been ashamed of any of my stories. Now that I’ve gone through this process with five releases, it’s a comforting thought, despite my tendency to freak out.

So that’s one of the things that keeps me up at night. I’d wager I’m not the only writer out there who goes through it. As usual, there’s no real point to this post. Just thought I’d share that a part of me lives in a constant state of fear. :)

Houseguests, anime, liquor, and…oh yeah. That writing thing I do.

One of my best friends is driving up on Monday and will be staying with me for two or three weeks, at which point I will be driving down with them to Florida and staying for roughly the same amount of time. Somewhere in there I’ll also be taking a side trip to Atlanta for Dragon*Con, where I fully intend to stalk Michael Biehn, who has the best death scenes ever. I assume the non-Dragon*Con days/nights (hell, probably a good percentage of those, too) will be filled with anime and liquor, because this is our way. We call it Drunken Anime Night, but it often spans a lot more than one night.

In the middle of this debauchery (hmm, is that the appropriate word? Yeah, let’s go with that), I’ll be receiving, working on, and returning the revisions for One Shot. It should be interesting since I’ve managed to bust up my wrist a bit, and I’m supposed to be going easy on the typing. You can see how well that’s working out. :)

At Dragon*Con, I’ll be breaking out the “Where’s Rowan?” hat, and it’ll be game on for hide-and-seek. Official rules will be posted later, but they’re similar to the previous set, which you can read here. One addition to the game is that I think I’ll be able to let everyone know my location in real time via my twitter account, so that should be fun.

Basically, the next six weeks or so will be the busiest I’ve had all year as I balance fun, work, and writing (which is a beautiful combination of both). Hopefully the Fates will be kind and gift me with more fun than work since I’d had it in my head to take a vacation in my last rambling. So Wish me luck! And caffeine!

Let’s get ready to ramble.

Yeah, that New Year’s resolution I made to come up with better blog titles? Not happening.

Last week I participated in an M/M writing workshop at Romance Divas for the Not Going to Conference Conference. I have to admit, I was nervous. I’m still at that stage where I believe 80% of writing is magic, so I was unsure whether I had anything constructive to offer. But as we settled into a groove, I found I had tips to share on characterization, point of view, and even writing sex scenes. Working with the other authors was a lot of fun, and even though I was one of the writers giving the workshop, I also learned a lot.

I also popped in on other workshops. Sasha White’s “Coping With Burnout” thread turned out to be a godsend for me because I was rocketing in that direction. Truth is, I’ve been feeling off my game lately and spending a week talking about writing really helped. Now I’m going to try and take things a little easier for a while, as well as write some stories for fun. And not feel like a slacker when I watch other writers do their thing. Very important.

In keeping with my whole relaxation theme, I finally got to read volumes five and six of Totally Captivated! LOVE it. Recommend and was sad to see it end:

The second quarter stats are in for Lone, and it turns out I made the top ten list at Amber Allure:

1) Allergies by T. A. Chase (Gay/Werewolf)
2) Lone by Rowan McBride (Gay/Werewolf)
3) Satisfaction by M. L. Rhodes (Gay/Contemporary)
4) Bottom's Up: Kinky Orgasm by Amanda Young (Gay/Contemporary)
5) Most Likely To Succeed by Shawn Lane (Gay/Contemporary)
6) David's Dilemma by Lynn Lorenz (Gay/Contemporary)
7) Bring The Heat by M. L. Rhodes (Gay/Contemporary)
8) Car Wash by Shawn Lane (Gay/Contemporary)
9) Carey'd Away by J. M. Snyder (Gay/Contemporary)
10) Betrayed by Cassie Stevens (Gay/Contemporary)

How cool is it that the top two slots are filled with werewolf stories?

Jumping to another subject (this is a ramble, after all), if you’re like me and enjoy bishies and muscle, please check out Yayoi Neko’s art at http://thundertori.deviantart.com/. I love the way she combines power and beauty in her work.

In totally random fun, Katrina Strauss has posted a vid from a Japanese game show on her blog: Bloggin' it with Katrina Strauss. As a result, I’m currently trying to find a way to work the term “acrylic kiss” into a story. Lol.

I feel like an amazing amount of stuff has happened over the past two weeks. Of course, when I start to write it all down, it starts to get fuzzy. Hopefully, if I remember more, and it’s interesting enough to write about, I’ll think of a better blog title. :)